0 In Movies/ Ron Rambles

The Star Wars Prequels vs My Thoughts

I finally caved in. I was weirdly proud for being part of the minority who haven’t seen the Star Wars saga (and a whole lot of other films: LOTR. Matrix. The GodFather, etc.). Special snowflake syndrome, eh? Half that and half I-can’t-be-bothered syndrome. My attention span has gotten very poor when it comes to films. It has to be good day if I’m about to watch something that requires thinking. I like no brainer films more than I should.

Anyhow. I used to live tweet / live blog when I’m about to marathon Harry Potter so I decided that maybe I can do that with Star Wars, too. In the hopes that I won’t doze off and actually have the motivation to complete the saga. Here goes nothing:

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Jar Jar Me-sa Annoying

Dog droids, v useless. V ugly too.

“Uh, wait, uh, you’re under arrest.” -Yellow Dog Droid made a funny.

“Power’s back, that droid did it.” No shite, Sherlock. Why is there unnecessary narration in the dialogue?

R2D2 beep boopity boop. I know you!

I didn’t know Keira Knightley is in Star Wars!

“Are you an angel?” Nice pick up line, Anakin. Such a big talker this kid.

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Here is Anakin in his natural habitat, flirting with a girl 4 years older than him. (Photo credit to Lucasfilm | Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, please don’t sue me.)

“There’s something about this boy…” Yes, Qui-gon, he’s going to be Darth Vader, duh.

But of course, Anakin’s gonna win that race. He still v creepy towards Padme.

Is this Star Wars or Land Before Time?

And of course, he defeats the villains and blows up a gigantic space ship. Kids these days, huh. Typical 9 year old.

I have to say this Ewan but that mullet looks terrible. You were heartbreakingly beautiful in Moulin Rouge.

Episode 2: Attack of The Clones

LOL at Anakin getting hurt because he didn’t get the attention he wanted from Padme.

So much staring at Padme. Get a grip, Anakin.

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Here is Anakin, 20. He likes staring at girls creepily. (Photo credit to Lucasfilm | Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones, please don’t sue me.)

“Be mindful of your thoughts Anakin, control your boner. I can feel it via the Force.” – Obi-wan, probably

LOL Worm-pooping flying robot! Hahaha

Attack of the Clones?! More like Fast and Furious: Space Drift

This episode is just one whole cringe for Anakin. He’s so whiny and egotistic and rapist-vibey.

I didn’t know Rose Byrne is in Star Wars!

Evil Anakin is EEEVUUUL. Blame Obi-wan because he killed them sandpeople? EVUL.

Padme is such a badass. She, at least, tried to find a way to save herself from that public execution. Meanwhile, Anakin is not done whining.

That’s why bad guys always win, good guys always do speeches before they actually move. UGH.

The clones were on for like 15 minutes and they get to be on the title. WHAT.

And he actually got the girl! OMG. What a horrible message. Yes, pressure a girl into thinking she likes you and she’ll marry you.

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

Anakin looks like the most bored human in the entire galaxy while in a battle.

Why is this robot coughing? He has lungs? WTH?

These dog droids remain to be useless. Even in enclosed elevator.

*Anakin grabs the edge of an elevator drop / floor entrance for his life. He let go, he dead (unless the force can make him fly).* Dog droid: Hands up, Jedi. < I LOL.

R2D2 has better fighting skills than any of these Jedi. Setting two monster Dog droids on fire alone?!

Anakin is still a big talker, I see.

Palpatine be a heartless monster. I bet he’s the proper villain.

Dooku no more hands, no more head. Are you okay?

  • Coughing Robot: Release the Ray Shields!
  • Anakin: Ray Shields! 😮
  • Obi-wan: Ray Shields! 😮
  • R2D2: Ray Shields!
  • Jabba: Ray Shields!
  • Dooku: Unnecessary. Narration.

Coughing robot is General Grievous, good grief! (Geddit?)

*loses half part of Grievous’ ship that is very humungous and is v obvious* Anakin: We lost something. You don’t say, Anakin?

Padme’s buns are Leia’s buns.

  • Padme: I’m pregnant, what we gon do?
  • Anakin: Let’s not worry about it right now.
  • Irresponsible father since Day 0.

“You won’t make me a Master? I will kill you all! Bwahahaha” -Anakin, maybe

“Obi-wan, I love you but I gotta be Darth Vader for continuity of this film yanno. Bye now.” -Anakin, maybe, again.

“You know what’s better than 1 lightsaber? 4 lightsabers!” -Dooku to Grievous probably before he died. RIP in peace.

Oh lol, Grievous has lungs full of phlegm.

Samuel Jackson is the reason we have Darth Vader! Let’s all blame him.

Palpatine has a very weird monster voice way before he became a monster. What’s that voice even?

Chopped hands are v #trendy in this saga.

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Here is Anakin in his true nature. Anakin likes power and decided to use it for the evilsss. Don’t be like Anakin.  (Photo credit to Lucasfilm | Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, please don’t sue me.)

They killed the Blue Avatar Jedi. 😮

I didn’t know you’re so old, Chewie.

R2 and 3PO could’ve written this whole saga. They’ve been there since Anakin’s 9-year-old pick up lines.

So… the powers Palpatine promised Anakin is basically lightning bending? Anakin could’ve gone to Zuko?

That CGI Baby Luke though.

So that’s how it came to be.. Twins separated which may or may not result to incest in the future. LOL

The End.


Final thoughts: I understand why other people would get obsessed with the franchise and the whole Star Wars universe (even the non-comic readers). But it’s not something I’d lose sleep for.

I like reading stuff (maps, family trees, history) that isn’t in the film or the books but it’s declared canons by writers. Since this has a very enormous scope (galaxies and all that), I imagine the trivia and fun facts would be very enjoyable to read.

See you again for the originals? Which hopefully would live up to the hype that the originals are better. For now, may the force be with you!

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